nukelearfishing

The weekday random and occasionally humorous musings of a Baptist Minister who is trying to be a free sample of Jesus

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and the winner is…

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on May 3, 2012
Posted in: attitude of gratitude, awards, communication, encouragement. Tagged: attitude of gratitude, baptist union of great britain, church, colchester, communication. 1 comment

Woohoo.

Our church notice sheet has won an award! You can see details here or download the weekly sheet here by clicking on the image of the sheet and then the link on the following page. It is particularly encouraging because we have taken steps this year to improve it to make it easier to read, more attractive and blend with our ‘corporate identity’ (ie in line with our logo colour scheme, the website and so on). We took the decision to print it in colour each week because it’s the item most people take away from our church after attending a service and so will be part of the lasting impression for newcomers.

We have a small team of editors (on a rota basis) who work with our church office to put this information out each week and maintain the look of the sheet at the same time. Sometimes, because of the amount of information to include, they manage to squeeze a quart into a pint pot and still manage to make it look good.

Two things come to mind this morning (in addition to pride). One is that it is always really nice when someone recognises and appreciates your work, especially when you have worked hard to improve something. How did you feel the last time someone said, ‘thank you’ and ‘well done’? How can you pass that on to someone else today?

The second thought is to be reminded about how important communication is, especially in churches. Last night we had a special Deacons’ Meeting where we looked at some of the things that might potentially hamper people from coming to faith and growing in faith at our church, and how we might improve things. Communication came out high on the list of things we need to improve.

Now that we have an award-winning news sheet we need to make sure that we continue to put relevant and helpful information in it, but we can’t assume that we have communicated. We put notices on the screens in the church before the service starts, but again we can’t assume that we have communicated with people through them. For communication to be effective it needs to be well-presented and interesting enough for people to pay attention, relevant and (perhaps most importantly) received and understood. The problem we have is that the latter two are outside of our control!

We can do our best to ensure that we share information (and especially the good news about Jesus) as relevantly, engagingly and attractively as possible but if someone is disinterested, too busy to pay attention (or asleep) then we will not have succeeded in communicating effectively.

Is there a crucial tip to be able to do that? Well there are thousands of books that have been written on the subject, so it may be presumptious of me to suggest that there is, but I think (and it was reinforced last night) that there is. It’s this:

Personal communication is more effective than mass communication.

An invitation extended by a friend is more likely to be communicated effectively than a notice on a screen or a news sheet. An explanation by one individual to another is more likely to address the questions of the second person because it can be more accurately tailored to them than any sermon can (subject to God’s intervention through the sermon).

Good, effective communication is the responsibility of every one of us. If we leave it to screens, pieces of paper or even websites (which can all be useful) we will leave a lot of people feeling bewildered, unwelcome or disengaged. (I wonder how many of the people who clicked onto this page have left before they get to this point?)

Be blessed, be a blessing

A classic joke about sermons… (I may start a home for retired jokes soon)

A preacher, who shall we say was “humour impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!”

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humour thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife!”

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and for the life of me I can’t remember who she was!”

a model citizen

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on May 2, 2012
Posted in: God's love, sailing. Tagged: model yacht. Leave a Comment

I have bought a boat. It is a sailing boat. A friend needed to make some space and, having enjoyed sailing it with him in the past, I offered to buy it from him.

Yes, she’s a model yacht, but she’s still a big vessel (63 inches in length). Yesterday we rigged her for the first time (outdoors because the mast is too high!) and she looked splendid. There’s still some work to be done to make her ready to sail again, but it won’t be long.

What I found so relaxing when I sailed her previously is that the principles of sailing still apply, even if scaled down. You still have to be aware of the wind direction and speed. You still have to adjust the sails and your course. You can still have comparative silence as she glides almost effortlessly across the water. And, if you want, you can still get up quite a speed.

I am hoping that I will be able to share this relaxing hobby with others in due course, once I am confident I know what I am doing, just as my friend shared it with me. If you’d like to join me, let me know.

Some of you will have got ahead of me here, but I’m not going to go off on a ‘share your faith’ bloggage. Rather I am going to change tack (see what I did there) and suggest that as wonderful and relaxing as sailing a model boat is, it’s not sailing in a boat. You don’t travel anywhere (unless it gets stuck and you have to wade out to it). It’s great, but not the full monty, the whole experience, the big picture.

I wonder how much God looks at us as churches and as individuals and thinks, “Why are they messing about with models when they could be doing the real thing?”

Does he look at our services and think, “That’s lovely, but I would rather you worshipped me with your whole life”?

Does he look at the way we are with one another and think, “You are being kind, which is a Spiritual Fruit, well done, but it’s so much better when you love one another”?

Be blessed, be a blessing (full scale!).

The model husband

There are several men in the changing room of a golf club club, following a day’s driving, pitching, chipping, putting (and looking in the undergrowth for lost balls). Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It’s me.”

“Sugar!”

“Are you at the golf club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the shops. I saw a beautiful coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only £1,500.00″

“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only £60,000…”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great!, before we hang up, something else…”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year … it’s been reduced!! Remember? The one with a pool, tennis court, acre of garden, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only £450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid £440,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye… I do too…”

The man hangs up, switches the phone off, raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

i don’t get it

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on May 1, 2012
Posted in: jokes, language, understanding. Tagged: elastic cord, funny joke. 5 comments

A couple of weeks ago I began a sermon with a joke that died. Here’s the joke (told here on April 5th 2011):

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They’ve never heard of it there.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what is a piñata?”

I think it’s a funny joke. But it fails badly if, as happened in that fateful sermon, your audience does not know what a piñata is! I wondered why the laughter was spread sporadically across the congregation. Perhaps there had been an horrendous bungee jumping accident at the church before I was appointed. Perhaps piñatas were the cause of arguments in the past. I did not consider the possibility that some people did not know what one was.

The following week I used that as an illustration. We now live in an era where the vast majority of people only go to church for weddings or funerals and may feel like a lot of the congregation did in not understanding what a piñata was. They don’t know what we are talking about when we talk about faith and church. We need to adapt and respond to these changed circumstances (which is what the book of Daniel is all about, and that was the point of the illustration). But it’s worth considering whether we as a church or as individuals use language that is impenetrable for people who are ‘outside’ and thus are creating barriers between them and God that he has not intended.

Here’s a test. Do you know what these are?

Chasuble
Communion
Hassock
Monstrum
Ordain
Apostle

If you struggle with some of them, how much more difficult will others find it? Jesus used everyday illustrations to explain what he meant and helped people to engage with him. We seem to have reversed that process. The bungee jumping joke may have another application here…

Be blessed, be a blessing.

you cannot be serious!

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 30, 2012
Posted in: following Jesus, God speaks, prayer. Leave a Comment

Yesterday morning I was preaching at our church from what, at first glance, looked like a pretty mundane part of the Bible: Luke 6:12-19. Not a lot happens. It might even be considered boring. Yet (and at this point I can almost hear members of our congregation saying this over their lunches) there was still a lot to be said. Including a reflection on answered prayer.

One of the things that struck me was how, having spent a night in prayer, Jesus chose his 12 apostles – those who would be closest to him and would be mandated to take his message and mission onwards after his death, resurrection and ascension. And, after having spent a night in prayer, included in the 12 was a certain Judas Iscariot. Was he serious?

Now from a human perspective that looks like a dodgy choice, at best. We know from our perspective of history that he turned out to be the betrayer, the traitor. Yet Jesus chose him having spent a night consulting his Father in heaven. Was he not listening properly?

Judas gets a bad press in the Bible. But whatever it was that led him to betray Jesus (greed, disillusionment, an attempt at forcing Jesus’ hand, or something else) that betrayal moment was a significant moment in our story of salvation. It seems that God did not make a mistake, even if Judas did!

This leads me to two thoughts. One is a reminder that I am no saint either, and before I condemn Judas I ought to remember that I have let Jesus down plenty of times. The difference is that I have also known and experienced his grace and forgiveness. The second thought is that I really should trust that God knows best, even when what he is saying in response to my prayers does not seem to make sense, or does not match what I want.

Be blessed, be a blessing.

This has been around for ages, but it still makes me smile and brings me up short…

Jesus, Son of Joseph
Carpenter Shop
Nazareth
Dear Sir,

Thank you for submitting the CVs of the 12 people you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education, and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the “team” concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.

We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Simon the Zealot (Thaddeus) definitely have radical leanings. They registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely yours,

Jordan Management Consultants

 

unjustly accused

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 27, 2012
Posted in: injustice, justice. Leave a Comment

I had a worrying moment yesterday when a message appeared at the bottom of my screen informing me that I did not have a legal version of Windows 7. That was alarming at first, given that I had paid for this a long time ago, that it had been validated and accepted as genuine by Microsoft, and that everything had been running smoothly.

I checked online and there were lots of other people who had had the same problem, which was comforting in the same way that it is comforting to know that other people are suffering from a cold when you are. I did not like the look of some of the technical advice on offer, particularly meddling with and amending different system files, and decided to try the Tech Support approach to resolving the problem… turning it on and off again.

And

(long pause as it rebooted)

It worked. The message has gone and my legality is no longer in question. Hooray.

Until the next glitch.

At this point I could draw parallels with the forgiveness that God offers through Jesus – a reboot, a fresh start, a removal of the stain, and so on. But the point I want to make surrounds how I felt when I was wrongly being accused of pirating software (aharr matey). I felt indignant that my honesty was being questioned, that my integrity was under review and upset that what I knew to be true was being doubted (even if it was by a software glitch).

We don’t like injustice when we are the victims. We will fight tooth and nail to prove our innocence if we are. We will go to extraordinary lengths to establish that we are not at fault.

So why don’t we go to the same lengths for others when they experience injustice?

If you want to make a difference to others, how about standing alongside someone at work who is being mistreated? How about writing to your MP about global trade injustice? How about promising to pray for an organisation like International Justice Mission (or support them more directly)? How about standing with someone who is being bullied at school or college, and refusing to join in when someone else is ridiculed? How about committing yourself not to tell any more jokes about blondes, ethnic groups, or others who are ridiculed in the name of humour? How about going to an appeal with someone who is struggling to cope with unfair decisions made about their benefits?

Be blessed, be a blessing.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the main street.

“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain. It’s an emergency…”

“It always is!!!” snapped the officer. “Be quiet…or I’m going to let you cool off at the station until the Superintendent gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you’re going to accompany me to the station!”

A few hours later, the policeman checked up on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the Superintendent’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the man in the cell. “I’m the groom!”

 

coincidentally God is at work

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 26, 2012
Posted in: coincidence, God's handiwork, hospital. Tagged: divine appointments, right place at the right time. Leave a Comment

Colchester General Hospital

Yesterday I had a wonderfully strange experience. I had not planned to visit the hospital, but had been told that one of our members had been admitted, so I went over to see how she was (doing ok). As I stood at the nurses’ station, trying to find the lady I had come to visit, I heard my name being called. It took me by surprise, and I turned around to see a friend standing there (from nearby, but not from our church).

He had been admitted unexpectedly and had strolled up to the nurses’ station at just that moment to ask a question. What a coincidence! Or was I being gently nudged to be in the right place at the right time so I could chat with him and pray with him as well?

Sometimes people call these events ‘divine appointments’. I usually find myself chuckling gently when I think about them (they happen relatively often) because I imagine God whispering subliminal messages to me about when to go where without me knowing why. If that is the case, and I have no reason to suspect that it is, then it seems that by surrendering my will to God I am also surrendering control of my diary. Not a bad practice, I reckon, and if he wants to create an extra day in the diary for me at the same time, even better! Perhaps he is motivating me in response to prayers of others. Perhaps he is nudging me in a similar way to the way that he spoke to Old Testament prophets and told them to go to particular places.

But what if it’s not like that? What if it’s not super-spiritual? What if it is ‘just’ coincidence? Well, then the onus is on me to make the most of the opportunities that come along and be the best free sample of Jesus I can be in those circumstances. Either way, the outcome is hopefully that people are blessed and encouraged. How it happens is secondary. In fact I don’t see either explanation as less God-inspired. Either he is inspiring events, which is brilliant, or he is using coincidences, which is astonishing.

Be blessed, be a blessing (wittingly or unwittingly)

This joke requires little knowledge of American culture and business names…

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered.

“I work for the 3M Corporation.” My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up

“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up

“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up…

blogs should be full of meaning and not hurt

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 25, 2012
Posted in: blogging, media, truth. Leave a Comment

In Victorian Britain, so we are told, children were to be ‘seen and not heard’. They were to maintain a discrete distance from their parents and only make their presence felt when it was requested. Until now I have always taken that at face value. But I have just realised that it is a very middle/upper class view of things. Dickens’ children were anything but quiet. But many of them were from underprivileged backgrounds where presumably they were permitted or even required to be noisy and robust in the presence of adults.

This rather pathetic epiphany got me thinking about other ‘facts’ I take at face value. In particular, the items we are fed by the news media. This is not going to turn into a bashing of any particular conveyor of news (printed, spoken or broadcast visually). Rather it is a reminder that usually other people decide what is important for us to know. If you doubt this, I suggest you look at the different headlines on the front of the national newspapers today. Editors choose what’s newsworthy, and they decide what is most important for us to consider. We choose what to read, watch or listen to, but someone else has already narrowed that choice down for us.

We may be happy with that, but at least let’s be aware. This week has seen the launch of the online Baptist Times (www.baptisttimes.co.uk) which also has an editor. Rather kindly they have a section that mentions Baptist bloggerists like me – thank you BT.

People suggest that the world wide web is the only place that is uncensored and provides unfettered access to the truth. As they used to say on the X Files, ‘The truth is out there.’ But we are also told the lie that truth is relative, which means that nobody can criticise anyone else for their point of view. Tell that to the people who write comments on some of the online news media! Especially, it seems, those who want to claim intellectual superiority by bashing Christian faith. It seems that truth is only relative if you don’t disagree with it.

Jesus said that ‘The truth will set you free.’ Which truth was he talking about? Discuss…

Be blessed, be a blessing.

True genius is knowing how many lightbulbs it takes to change a person.

 

(If that seems surreal, think about how cartoonists portray ideas)

Don’t feel obliged to answer

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 24, 2012
Posted in: neighbours, questions. Leave a Comment

The responses to yesterday’s minibloggage made me smile this morning. There weren’t any. I wonder whether that’s because nobody has ever been asked a good question or whether you al assumed it was a rhetorical question.

The idea of rhetorical questions is fascinating, isn’t it? We use them as a device for engaging others into our thought processes, to invite people to agree with us and perhaps to make people think further about something. I wonder if a lot of the things Jesus said are thought to be rhetorical, but ‘Follow me’ demands a response, even if it is ‘nope’.

What about, ‘ love your neighbour as yourself?’ It seems okay in theory until you reflect on the Good Samaritan and realise that neighbourliness is not geographical. However, perhaps your neighbour is located in the next cubicle, office, classroom, seat on the bus or in the queue at the checkout. They don’t have to be someone we don’t get along with!

Who is your neighbour? (rhetorical question?)

Be blessed, be a blessing

(sorry to those of you who checked this earlier, intermittent problems posting this morning so the bloggerel has been uploaded in segments!)

Quick thinking

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 23, 2012
Posted in: questions. Leave a Comment

Just a quick question for you today, due to unforeseen circumstances:

What’s the best question you have ever been asked?

Be blessed, be a blessing.

irony, ironically.

Posted by nukelearfishing67 on April 20, 2012
Posted in: irony. 3 comments

Jesus could not believe that his followers had got it wrong again

Irony is wonderful. I love it. The problem is that it does not work too well in written text, which is probably the cause of a lot of misunderstandings.

As I cleared out the spam comments on this blog I noticed one that seemed ironic in the extreme. It was a spam comment that was advertising a product to reduce spam comments. Genius! Clearly because that comment got through, I need a spam comment filter. But if they did not send that spam comment my need for a spam comment filter would be reduced a bit.

It got me wondering whether there are other ways in which people create demand for their products with their products. I suppose adverts on telly for energy companies might be an example as we are consuming energy in order to watch the ad. Perhaps more ironic are ads that tell us to conserve energy. I like the irony of the global conferences on climate change – to which world leaders and their entourages all fly in planes that apparently contribute to the problem.

How can churches do the same? Perhaps we could put something outside our church that could be stolen and then if someone gives in to the temptation and steals it they find that it is chained to the wall and behind it is a message saying that grace and forgiveness are available inside.

I have heard street preachers tell people that they are sinners, worthless, unlovely and then when they are feeling low they say, “But God loves you.” Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

I don’t see Jesus creating demand in that way. People came to him because they saw love and acceptance, they were not judged or condemned, they found grace, joy, peace, laughter, life.

As a free sample of Jesus, is that what people are getting from me today?

Be blessed, be a blessing

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